I wrote this... can i have some feedback?

One Black Rose. That’s all I ask.


One day Adian and Rayne were on their way to school when it happened. He stopped her underneath the already in bloom cheery tree. He looked into her big glistening green eyes and told her how he felt about her, she had nothing to say but you could tell by the tears in her eyes that she was in a situation she wanted to stay in. During school Adian was thinking of ways to win Rayne over. He was pacing throughout the entire school thinking of ways to possibly love her more than he did now. As soon as he saw her small body walking to her locker he knew just what to do. He took all the red and black construction paper he could find and made giant hearts with cute messages on them. He cut the hearts out and put them all over her locker. Rayne got to her locker and was astonished. She didn’t know what to say, but Adian was there for her. She ran into his arms and started crying. When she came back up for air, her makeup smudged all down her face. He took a quick look at why she was crying. He was proud of what he did. As he turned his head slowly he noticed something different about what he created for his favorite girl. Someone had sabatoged his beautiful creation. He felt so bad because he knew that someone didnt want him liking Rayne. Adian went the rest of the day thinking what possibaly went wrong when simply loving Rayne. Adian was probably the best looking kid in the whole High School, thats why Rayne had no clue why he liked her. Later in the day Adian caught up with Rayne and told her he would figure out who was shallow enough to do this to her. She turned around slowly with her cheeks rosy red. She slowly told Adian she could no longer see him any more. Adian picked up his things and slammed his locker door shut. He marched out of the school with nothing but a blank stare. One girl told Rayne she even saw a stream of tears rolling down his pale fleshy face. Rayne tried running after him but soon gave up. The pain was to great and she could no longer take it. Suddenly Nicolas " T-bone" Tyler came out of nowhere and snuck up behind Rayne. She squealed when he grabbed her waist. She yelled " Adian you monsterous being i told you i can no longer see you!" She turned around with fury and snatched T-bone's hand. When she looked into his eyes she saw that it wasnt Adian and that it was in fact Nicolas Tyler. He put his hand around her waist and told her he was the one who ruined her surprise from Adian. Her eyes already filled with tears, thinking about how she truly ruined Adian's life. Nicolas grabbed her hand and took her outside to the benches. He held her hand close to his heart. She felt his heart beating faster each second. But when she looked over her shoulder she saw Adian looking right in Nicolas's face with disgust and anger. Nicolas let go of Rayne's hand and got up from the bench. He walked over to Adian and extended his hand as if wanting to shake hands. Just by looking at Adian you could tell that he was going to punch T-bone right in the nose. While his hand was extended Adian was staring at Rayne thinking about why she let him for Nicolas. But what he didnt know was that she didnt leave him for anyone. As soon as that happened Rayne grabbed Nicolas's hand and told him to follow her. A huge grin came apon his face and followed her to the side of the school. Rayne texted Adian and told him she wouldnt let him touch her. Nicolas got the wrong idea when Rayne took him to somewhere they couldnt been caught. She leaned up against the wall very cool like and talked things out with Nicolas. When she stopped to catch her breath Nicolas put both hands on her face and pressed his mouth against hers. She walked back to the area that Adian was hanging out by. She was wailing her arms around and making what noise she could. Then she gave in and let Nicolas kiss her. [ or whatever he was doing ] Adian saw the commotion and ran right over. He pulled Nicolas right off and extended his arm back far enough and released it right smack in the face. Nicolas fell to the gound grabbing his head in pain. Rayne looked in shock at the now bleeding Nicolas. She was freaking out now and ran inside to get help. When she came back Adian was standing over a now dead Nicolas. Rayne ran over to Adian and asked what happened. " He told me how he was the one who ruined my surprise" said Adian. " What else happened? Why is he dead?" Rayne muttered. " Well things got out of hand... and i might have took out my pocket knife and stabbed him." Adian said cowardly. Rayne went home and cried for days before she went back to school. Going back to that school brought back memories that shouldnt have been remembered. The halls seemed darker than the last time she had set foot inside it. As soon as she got to her class, she saw him. The one who killed the guy who was more in love with her than anyone else she knew. Then she realized, Adian was the one who loved her more than anything in the world. She tracked down Adian and got him to follow her. They went to the library where they could concentrate. He looked different, Its been only about 3 or 4 months since the accident. They talked and then it hit Rayne right in the face. She was in love with Adian no matter how hard she wished not to. After school that day she walked home with Adian hand in hand smiling. When she got to her house, he leaned over and gave her a kiss. She blushed and and ran into his arms just like before. The next day Adian surprised Rayne by going to her house and bringing her a dozen black roses. At first she was confused but realized that he remembered her favorite color was black and her favorite flower was a rose. She had gotten the most thoughtful and most beautiful gift of all. She had Love, but most importantly, she had Adian.

I wrote this... can i have some feedback?
Yes you can.
Reply:I think that you should add more to your story and also when you write remember to use paragraphing and when the people are saying something to each other remember you have to start a new paragrah ever time, not only that but it is a very good story
Reply:wow. that's amazing. very good job. you should think about being an author. i'm serious.
Reply:too long, sorry
Reply:different
Reply:interesting but long.
Reply:It's all over the place and I don't think it's just that good. It depends on what grade you're in. If you're in elementary, it's good I guess but if you'r e older, this story isn't good enough. Sorry.I'm just being honest



super nanny